Purging My Mind

A New Flame Has Come...

2011-07-12T09:31:00.000+01:00

Wow, been some serious time, since I was here, last :s

OK, so, still no job to speak off, but I do have an interview, at a solicitor's firm, in town - fingers crossed :D
However... I'm not down, yet.... for I, have myself a new lady on the scene :D
She lives in a nearby village (any Emmerdale viewers... there!)

It seems to be going reeeeeeeeally well - which means I have probably jinxed it, now :)
A lovely girl has put a smile back on my face.

HIP, HIP, HOORAY!

Rewind ....
OK, back to my BF... I have let-go, and God does it feel good. I am freed from horrible feelings (about myself, etc) and it's all goooooooooooooooooooooood :) Yes, she has been in touch, and yes, I still think of her, but the urge to call, or text her? Gone... history; yesterday's news. Whatever... lol :)

My next chapter finally begins....... :)

PS... failed my driving test :( got to re-sit in August :((( Stupid roundabouts.
(or "traffic circles" in Canada :P)

Feeling a great deal, better :)

2011-05-12T15:41:00.000+01:00

It's been a while... no news is good news, as they say :)

OK, so... Driving test booked - finally :) Enrolled on to a teacher-training course :)

A few things to smile about, at least. The break from BF is working its magic :) I still miss the BF, but, its now in the background, and I'm accelerating away :)

There is 'kind-of' a new woman, in my life; it's very early days, and there is no rush, however, she is lovely :D
We'll see.

It's all positives, right now :)

Feeling Better...

2011-04-10T23:09:00.000+01:00

... About a lot of things...

This has been a great weekend - not a great deal happened, but I feel calmer, and more with it. This break-away was, indeed, the right thing to do. I am not going to lie, and say I don't miss my BF, but there we go. I am doing it, and its not so difficult, after all.

Brain training is going well; gym is going well; healthy eating isn't going so well :P

Time n' Patience, Baby. Tis all I got :D

Old Friends...

2011-04-08T01:48:00.000+01:00

... Thanks to the wonders of Facebook, I have made contact with a verrrry old school friend, of mine.

I have made plans to visit her, this weekend. Should be good - have a catch-up, etc :) Lotssss to tell each other :)

The break is going well.... too well, in fact. But, I have resisted every urge, so far.... I have even exchanged numbers with a girl.... not sure how I should play it, but I should definitely go for coffee/dinner, with her. A girl can never have too many friends, right?

I still miss my BF, though......

Patience and Time; its all I got, baby :)

Silent

2011-03-30T13:37:00.000+01:00

I just don't know what to say for myself. I feel empty inside, and like a light has gone out. I was finally honest about how I really feel, and as usual, it was sidestepped. Why is the right thing to do, not what I want to do?

I need cuddles :(

I actually did it...

2011-03-28T14:18:00.000+01:00

So... the gym was a triumph! :) I actually, really enjoyed myself. I am looking forward to my next session, on Wednesday. I never truly believed exercise could make me feel so good :) I am even considering aerobics classes... we'll see :)

This weekend was a bit of a non-event, perhaps, that's why I am raving about exercise... :)

I feel Step 3 is getting close!

Time

2011-03-24T00:01:00.001Z

Some people think holding on shows strength; sometimes its letting go

This past year or so, I have come to the realisation that time is very fluid. So much can change in 24hrs, nevermind a month, or a week.

Today is the birthday of the woman, who was the love of my life. Not a day goes by when I don't think of her. I still find myself asking "what if..."
My memories of her will stay with me forever.

Maybe we never actually get over past relationships... We just learn to move on.

I've felt introverted, all day. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better.
Not that today was rubbish, I had a lovely walk, and even got pics of some beautiful Daffodils :D Spring has sprung :)

Still chasing that happiness...
Good night :)

Step 2 (?)

2011-03-22T17:32:00.001Z

Well... I actually did it; I have made an appointment for my induction, at the gym!
I need to buy me some cool, gym-clothes, now...

I'm excited and nervous... its like starting a new school, except with fit, toned, and probably tanned, adults. Gulp! :) This is a positive thing, and I feel very good about it. Lets hope I like it! :)

I wonder if I will get a diet-plan to work towards? I'm gonna have one last binge, at the supermarket, this week... then..... HEALTHIER eating. Booooo :)

Home-made lasagna, for dinner, tonight! Mmmmm :)

The Short, Sharp, Shock

2011-03-21T20:20:00.000Z

...That's all I needed; to be put in my place by the BF. She snapped at me, for the first time, I guess.... I won't say it freed me, because that's ridiculous, but it has certainly helped me along with my process.

Her apology, last night, was kind. I wasn't sure if it warranted a reply, however, I sent a courteous acknowledgement... cause I'm nice, like that :P

I'm going to look into joining the local gym... it could be fun.... Swimming, running... perfect way to work off all my excessive nervous energy... and get fit for Summer. Woot woot!

I'm just gonna blaze this spliff, first....

Why Is It That...

2011-03-15T21:29:00.000Z

Erase & Rewind

2011-03-15T20:24:00.001Z

Do you think you're being clever, BF? It's one thing to disappear without a trace, and its a complete joke when you "like" a fucking Facebook status. What is wrong with you? You are behaving like a complete bitch. Why is everything so fucking half-hearted, with you? Why can't you just grow a pair? Either say what you need to say, and then... fuck off....... or......... treat me like a human.

Its petty. It makes me feel petty, and childish.

8 years ago.... if someone had told me that I could ever feel resentment, or anger, towards you, I would have laughed them out of town. I close my eyes, and I take myself back.... I hear your laugh, I remember one of your corny jokes, or I remember a sweet text you sent. I shake my head, and I clench my fists. I long for those afternoons spent daydreaming of the exciting unknown. I never really believed in soul-mates, I probably still don't... but I believe that two people can gel, and have their own private world. Ours blew up in our faces.

No New Messages

2011-03-15T15:18:00.000Z

This is excruciating... It really is like cold-turkey. Jeeze, I'm a junkie... I'm all twisted up, inside. My sadness feels like its being replaced with anger, and feelings of betrayal, all over again... I hate this destructive fucking cycle. Up and down, up and down.... God, I just want to scream, really loudly. Its out of sheer frustration, I think. Its all I can do, not to text her. I hate myself, every time I feel the urge to pick up the phone.

2011 was meant to be my year. The year that I got my act together, we're almost 25% in to it, and all that happened was... I got made redundant :( Work is the least of my worries, right now, though. Its not like I don't have money, or a roof over my head. All the horrible things happening in Japan, right now, just show me how much worse my life could really be. I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for. Its just hard to list them - apart from the usual; great friends, family, and good health. The best thing for me, right now, would be to have a clearer head; much more rational thinking, and healthier eating. Just basic pampering, I guess.

P, text me, this morning. She's feeling better about things, she has even made an appointment to see the doctor. Hopefully, this is the light at the end of the tunnel. Alcohol is so evil. I cannot stand the stuff.... It has ruined too many lives. Alcohol = Loser Juice. People can say what they want about weed... but just because something is legal, it doesn't make it "right". P is a wonderful woman, with a great resolve. She'll get there.

Everything works out OK, in the end. If it isn't OK, it isn't the end.

The Real L Word

2011-03-14T22:03:00.000Z

FFS, what is it with the lesbian dramas, bullshit, lies, secrets, mind games, hot and cold nonsense, and just being a fucking downright pain in my arse? Is there a "normal" lesbian, out there? I seriously doubt it. They have already been screwed over by other fucked up women... who have been screwed over by other fucked up women. Blah blah.

I hope I really do have the will power to stay away from BF. I know what I need to do. I know she is deliberately avoiding me. There will either be a lame arse excuse, or worse, no excuse at all. I need to start valuing myself more. I know I don't deserve to be treated like a little toy, that she likes to play with. I have no idea whether she sets out to intentionally hurt me. I have to question her motives, all the time. I guess there is no trust, here, and if the most basic ingredient to a successful friendship/relationship is lacking, then it isn't a very good state of affairs. I miss you, already BF, and it will get worse before it gets better. However, it will get better.

P text me, tonight. I have tried calling her a few times, and she didn't answer... She is having a really tough time, right now. I don't know how I can help her - she won't ask for any help, she would rather sink further into the pit of depression. So, like a good friend, I will be here, when she wants to re-emerge, and join the rest of the world. Hopefully, it won't be too long.

I guess I know all about wanting to feel down. I have never really taken the correct steps to working towards happiness. I say to myself that I just want to be happy... I am slowly realising that I am just meandering through my life....waiting to stumble upon happiness. The painful truth would appear to be that I am looking in all the wrong places. Damn it! I've made a mental promise to myself. A promise to change! Fingers crossed!

I also need to retract a statement I made about my weed. The taste has improved. Which brings me to the conclusion that my cigs were dry! Yack :o) Anyways, all sorted now.

On that note... It's time to get high

Does Absence Make The Heart Grow Fonder?

2011-03-14T15:08:00.000Z

I just can't fathom you, BF. One minute you're there.... and, the next............Gone. WTF? Seriously... WTF?

Because I have labelled you unfathomable, I am deciding to back away from you. I truly believe it is my sanity that is at stake, here. My mind does somersaults. You aren't really into it, or me, and I can't keep acting like my feelings are secondary to yours. When you text me, or when we speak, I still get the same warmth, inside. That's what keeps me around. It's like heroin...I just want more. I don't believe its healthy. I'm not going to say anything to you about it. I just won't be available to you.

This weekend has been a little bit confusing for me; I need to un-confuse myself. I have you in my thoughts... Its not the same as having you in my sights.

I must make a trip to see my family, this week. I have been a little bad at keeping up to date with everyone.
Its my mum's birthday, this week. I think she wants to come to the big, bad city, for coffee. Yay :o)

The Weekend Has Landed

2011-03-12T00:38:00.000Z

OK, so this wasn't my typical Friday evening... Which is great! :)

JJ asked me out, to the local comedy club, I had an awesome time, it was great to meet new people. I am absolutely shattered, now, and sooo looking forward to my bed.

BF hasn't been in touch, today. I hope she's OK - not that she has to message me, daily, but she normally does.
Anyways... brief, today, because I'm wiped.

Good night, UK :)

What Dreams May Come

2011-03-10T21:06:00.000Z

So.. you dreamed of me.... like the old dreams.... does that mean you still have those old feelings? Just....... waaaaay deep down? I wish I knew what you were really thinking. Its like the blind leading the blind.
What I'm thinking, and what I have always thought is how good we would be, together - Some awesome tag-team! You have the ability to make me smile from ear to ear... I just have to read your name <3

Met JW for coffee, today; was great to have a catch-up, and what-not. She is still having all the tests, to find out why she isn't with child, yet. I hope it works soon... She will make a great mum.

And, finally.... the weed. Ah, yes... It wasn't all that, to be honest. It has a peculiar taste to it... and there is a lot to smoke. The downside to bulk-buys! I wish I could jump on a plane to Amsterdam; find a cosy little coffee shop; joint in one hand, and some fantastic coffee, in the other.... Y-E-S! Maybe, when I have found some more employment... Meh!

...Right.... I'm off to get high! ;)

Hash Wednesday!

2011-03-09T21:37:00.000Z

So, my dude dropped off a nice, big bag of weed, tonight! and, I thought Wednesday was going to be a load of old dog-wank! Thank God for small mercies :)

I'm so fucked off with you right now. I try, and I fucking try to work towards sorting this bullshit out, and you just dismiss me... Just...like...that. I have to make myself rationalise, and not go off at the deep-end. BF, you really try my patience, at times.

Fuck this, and fuck you! I'm going to get high :))

Lent...

2011-03-09T10:34:00.000Z

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

... I know exactly what I have to give up. It's driving me half-crazy. I am hoping that this will fade-away.

All those dreams of you and I, the holidays we would take, the places we would visit, parties to go to, Christmas Day, Sundays mornings spent in bed....

All those things ^^ and then some....

You are not ever going to be easy to forget. The sound of your voice plays in my mind, and it makes me weak.

I've been out of bed for 34 minutes, and I miss you, already...

A Vivid Imagination...

2011-03-08T21:07:00.000Z

... I used to think it was a blessing... You know; making up stories, as a kid, fun playtimes, all things good.

Now? Now all it does is taunt me, and let me imagine every single scenario in minute detail, and it plays... all day long... even pokes fun at me, in my sleep.

I wish a scientist, somewhere, would invent some drug that cures a broken heart, and a fucked up brain.

(they would be a verrry wealthy scientist) I cry until my head, and eyes are hurting... for what? For nothing... you don't even know how its affected me...

"My smile is my make-up, I wear since my break-up with you..."

Even though I know I am selling myself short, or not showing myself enough respect; I still can't sever the tie.

I love you. Its that simple. Or its meant to be...

The 1st Post...

2011-03-08T20:54:00.000Z

Is always the hardest!

My horoscope has been telling me over and over, about how my life is going to change, opportunities will come... a new lover... a new job... a new home. Blah fucking blah... honestly :o)

I'm Jo, and this is my blog. I can promise you now, it will be filled with rants about my heartaches, my family dramas, and my financial status... the usual, really ;o)

Enjoy reading another person's misery, and being grateful its not your misery.